I don’t like waiting. I don’t like the feeling of something possibly unknown springing on me and causing me to change plans and directions. I don’t like the possibility that in all that time waiting the end result is going to be the one thing I don’t want. The wrong answer. Disappointment. Defeat.
Waiting feels a lot like stumbling around in the darkness. You are fumbling, trying to grasp at a solution, and yet you cannot resolve it on your own. Eventually you admit defeat and wait for help to come along and take whatever out you can get.
Deep recesses of my heart have been waiting, holding secret wants and desires that are too fragile to place in the light. Like seeds waiting to germinate, they bury deep within my heart and hold fast to the darkness of waiting. Sometimes these dreams and desires feel forgotten, left alone to fend for themselves. Further back they push, further away from the light of manifestation. All too often it is my own doing that pushes them further away, questioning what I have to offer in these seedlings, these pocketed dreams that hold all the potential in the world if I just went for it. But instead I shamefully leave them alone, keep them to themselves in the dark.
One dream was to go to Ecuador to visit the young girl I sponsor through Compassion International. This dream began the moment I started to sponsor her four years ago, but I always thought it was something others did. Never me.
Fast forward to two years ago and I thought and prayed more about it and thought, I should go. I had every intention of going in 2016, but plans went a different way and I was not able to go. I tried to shrug it off and weakly said Next year. I didn’t really believe it. The dream pushed further back into the “Someday” pile.
Yet looking back I know that if I had gone last year, things would have been a whole lot different. Probably for the worse. It’s no secret that I have dealt with anxiety and the culmination of this over the years led to physical manifestations of it. This in turn led to worry and more anxiety. I had a few panic attacks, a few meltdowns, a few moments where I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I saw a doctor and was given medication that made it worse, not better. I sought out holistic care and the physical ailments decreased. If I had been in Ecuador while all this was occurring, there is no doubt things would have gotten worse.
My dream for adventure had been substituted with dreams of a normal life. And not all days were bad; the days I could keep my mind of it and do other things helped tremendously. But I had allowed fear to condition my mind to default to worry instead of hope. My dreams felt altogether alone.
They were never really alone.
Hope was in the dark. Hope whispered the encouraging words, Keep going. Keep pushing. Like the voice calling Lazarus forth, my desires were awakened again, renewed by the Word and Truth and pushed forward into the light. Hope pressesd against the barriers of confidence draining and fear- feeding doubts. It pushed back, pushed up, and pushed out.
Small doses. Small steps.
A year later and I am on the cusp of a new adventure- tomorrow I fulfill that dream of going to Ecuador and meeting my sponsor child, of seeing that beautiful and amazing country and its beautiful and amazing people.
And this process has been like grace unfurling around me, growing me and strengthening me and shedding light on things that I need to let go of and other things I need to hold to with all my might. Things like the truths I often say but still often find hard to believe on harder days, like God is always good or that He has not given me a spirit of fear. Things I need to grab hold of more, like the peace of God, faith that He will make a way, trust in His goodness.
Through an almost year process of determining if we should sell our home, listing it, and then taking it off the market again I kept hearing strongly in my heart, Wait. I knew this was meant clearly for our housing situation but I also know it has been the application to my whole life this past year and now is coming to fruition. Waiting for dreams to be made reality. Waiting for clear guidance on our home. Waiting on the Truth to settle in my heart and root out the lies. Waiting on healing. Waiting on that seed of hope to sprout and show me the new thing God is doing in me.
With full honest expression I can say that I have absolute peace about this trip and what will take place. My excitement has not spilled over to anxiety and the fears and doubts from a year ago when I first started to plan for it are no longer present. The peace of God is ruling in my heart, His grace unfurling to reveal His good plan for me. Like a cloud lifting, gone are the self-doubts and whispers of deceit.
What a glorious adventure this will be, an adventure all for His glory.