Before I know it, I have done it again. It really shouldn’t but it always still amazes me how easily I let this happen.
And I know I have been quiet on here, since my last post where I said I would not abandon this place completely, and yet, it has been a silent few months. And I have had posts come to mind and points and I wanted to share but nothing that seemed substantial.
So instead of doing something, I chose nothing.
I did nothing on this blog, nothing on my book aside from a pre-cursory edit, nothing in my journals, and ashamedly, little in my prayer life.
I was just kind of…here. All that talk, all that resolution, sucked right out of me. So I hesitated again, not sure where to go from here, and ended up nowhere after all.
And I kept thinking to myself, What is wrong with me? But I honestly believe it all comes back to that little whisper, that one foot in the door thing that is always right there, waiting.
Fear I really had run out of words to say. Fear that once my book is published, it will be done and no more excuses to hide behind. Fear that I am not good enough, that my prayers are empty, that my studying of His Word is not yielding anything profound, fear that I am getting dangerously close to having to propose a dissertation and having my best idea already shot down.
Yet I feel the need to make it very clear that I am not in a corner, cowering. I still live each day, do what needs to be done, have a good and mostly fun -and lately feeling a little chaotic- life.
It’s the dreams that fear chokes. The dare to live open and brave and really even believe that I am not in this alone. Even when my prayers feel hollow.
Recently my pastor made a statement along the lines of how if only we could realize that God never stops pursuing us. And I thought about how all the times I thought I had to pursue God, had to fill my prayer journal with heartfelt thoughts and words and it was all on me. And yes, there is a desire there to know Him more but my relationship with Him does not rest solely on me. And thank God for that. He pursues me. He pursues me.
That’s when I realized I just need to turn around.
When I try to control, try to navigate the direction of my relationship with God, I am just setting myself up for disappointment. I try to do it my way and what do I end up with? Fear. Hesitancy. A fine life, but not an exciting one. If I were to just turn around and let myself be caught by God, be surrounded by Him and loved by Him?
And just today I read a line in a book that said, “Expectations are just preconceived resentments.” I had come to expect my relationship with Christ to be one way, had inadvertently put it in a box, and when things have not gone the way I expected there is some resentment. Or, in this case, lack of any movement or motivation.
So I find myself laying down at the altar of my heart this need for control once again. And I am begging, begging, God for something more. A chance to shake off the dust and fear from my dreams and trust in Him. To come to a place of vulnerability and honesty in the hopes that others will see His work and His goodness in me. I feel like I am shaking off a heavy cloak and am running the race again. Because it is not about this blog or a book or school or a journal, but my heart. It is about my soul turning around and running to meet God in His grace and mercy, Who is always right behind me. It’s about Jesus, about laying my control at His feet and saying, “What’s next?” Lest I forget, faith is an action and who better to have faith in than the Creator of all things seen and unseen?
This time, I have let myself be pursued, pursued through all the aching and numbness and doubts and struggles to finally get to a place where I feel like I am found once more. And where I am found, I am free.