I have always thought I was a good multi-tasker, thought I could juggle at least half a dozen things and keep adding if need be. Part of this false thinking was due to me struggling to say no to people, fearing to say no because I never wanted to look inadequate.
I am not exactly sure when I started to feel myself withdrawing back inside me. When I was little I used to perform on stage-how I loved to dance- and was quite energetic. When I moved to a new town at 8 years old and people wanted to know why I moved, I shrank. What 8 year old wants to tell other 8 year olds that you moved because your mother died and you live with your dad now? So I said nothing. I had a friend who eventually pulled me out of my solitude in 5th grade, and I have had many friends that I have cherished and lived loud with since.
But there has always been this question of worth, of Am-I-Good-Enough? that caused hesitancy in my life. I can recall specific moments, things said, that made me feel this way and so the solution was to prove how worthy I am in doing it all.
(I never said I was wise in my thinking).
People tell me not to worry about what others think and that I can stop trying to prove myself. They are right. I know it. But a conditioned response requires a slow extinction or else it reverts ten times stronger.
I’ve wrote about the grace of God, God being in control, and resting in Him. And at times I have truly felt that. But when uncertainty rises I begin the multi-tasking and planning. I guess I am a good example of a stubborn little sheep, if nothing else.
And yet, over and the past month I have heard over and over from variable sources, Do it all for Christ.
What is the point of my multi-tasking if it doesn’t bring glory to the One who tasked the heavens and earth into existence, tasked His Son to die for me, tasked my mother’s womb to knit me together and bent low to breathe His life into me? What good is my worth anyway when my meager attempts to do it on my own cause sin and pride (one and the same) and confirmation in man’s eye instead of His eye, where I am the apple of His eye? It’s what I’ve heard and what I know in my head but need to get seeded down in my heart: My identity is in Christ. My worth, is to Him and in Him. My can-do attitude? Should bring Him glory.
I’m left in fear of dropping the balls I’m juggling instead of running free in Christ. Jesus is saying, “Stop juggling. Give them to Me and let Me lay them in perfect order and in perfect timing.”
Let it fall. Lay it down. Leave it at the feet of Jesus.
My anthem song for six months now as I work through growth and no longer fear what God wants for me.
I don’t do well with surprises. But God, He is the Master of surprises simply because we think we should know how it goes. But God’s surprises are often the best kind, the kind you sit back and are amazed by.
I’m going to be paring down some things, not overcomplicating. I am going to ask myself if I am doing this for Christ or to prove- one more time- to man I am good enough. Because if it is for Christ then I have found my identity, my value. He is truly the only way to life and grace and truth. And that is worth running toward. He is worth running toward.