There is a dry and weary land that I know, that I visit- am visiting to the point I think I have moved there- that slowly pulls the life out of you, makes you sluggish and worn. It’s a place where you begin to rethink everything, question everything, place worth on every moment of your life and find yourself appallingly lacking.
It’s a place that gets in your head and your heart and kind of makes you feel alone. A lonely place that leaves you with a lot of time to think. It’s a place that, for a need-to-plan-everything type of person, you don’t want to be there.
The land of waiting.
Waiting for the next moment, the next sequence to start up so you can hit the ground running. The place where you have to do the mundane things to get to the exciting things but you want to skip this land and jump to the better things.
All types of things begin to consume you and you really lose your way in the moment of now.
These are the dark moments you just can’t tell anyone about because you sound so trivial next to the actual big things they are working on overcoming or getting through while you are just…
And I ask God, What happened to my assurance that You were moving mountains and my faith had reached mustard seed size- finally?
Yeah, I wrote that in my prayer journal. I was cocky enough to ask for assurance-proof- of God moving and a way to measure my own faith instead of looking to the God who was doing the moving and growing.
And then the admission: I have not put God first, have not sought Him out, have felt like a failure to His kingdom.
All this time, these months, I have had a feeling something was about to happen, something was going to change in my life. Little did I know that it would be the something of waiting. The one thing God was preparing me for and here I was expecting changes of scenery, changes of hardships, a miracle unfolding with a sudden and loud boom.
Us humans think we have God figured out. Why would I ever think He would want me to just wait? The hardest thing to ask someone who has plans and lists and calendars and a general I-need-to-know-because-I-can’t-stand-not-to-know anxiety. Yet He never says He will always ask the easy. Instead, He offers a calling to why this is the beautiful unknown and not what I really want to call it- the scary unknown, the too many unknowns, the not sure I can do this unknown. To place me in the season, the time, where I am to wait and see those promises unfold.
My faith was not built up to carry me through this time but to show me I need to keep the faith, keep seeking, keep trusting, while I wait and it feels like nothing is happening. I can’t ration out last month’s faith and think it is enough, can’t think my “Jesus time” tomorrow will be good enough to get me through today. Day in and day out, I need Jesus.
I even dreamt it. I had a dream where I was in a pool where I could control the waves being made but someone else turned them to tidal waves crashing and I fought to make it back to the dial to still the waters to placid and lake-like. But when the waves were gone I missed them but dared not say otherwise. I could not rest in the calm so I took to seeking out friends and walked up and down stairs and hallways, always seeking. And when I found them and was invited to sit, relax, I could not wait to get out of there, to carry on to something else.
But I missed sitting and being still as much as I missed the wild waves. A life out of balance.
This waiting bit? Maybe it is my chance to see I need to rest, to wait on God. Maybe this is my chance to really put to the test my belief that I need Him every day, not just when the big moments of life come.
Maybe this is a chance to focus on relationships- with God, with friends, with family- and just sit and be present. No hustle. No bustle. No moving on to the next thing. There will come a day when that happens- when I will need to spring to action. Right now, though, my life is consumed with little ones and school and just trying to find time with friends and all the while making sure I have time with the One Who is asking me to slow. down.
If I slow? I have time to listen. I have time to think. Not get inside my head and overthink like I am prone to do but to think about what I want to do differently.
A strong tree does not become unbreakable in a day. It has to press down, press in, intertwine with the dirt to take hold and build up. The outward appearance can look grand but if the roots are not thick, strong, deep, the tree will fall.
This is my take-root season. This is my season to press into God and get ready. The waves will come. And this season of waiting will be fleeting, no matter how it feels right now.
It doesn’t have to be dry or weary. It can be the waiting on God and seeing what He can do, will do, and celebrating that I know a God Who is good and Who is good to me. It can be a season of refreshing my soul, of moving past insecurities to the place where I am finally undeterred and not overcome by how others see me or how I think they see me.
A season to get back to my rock, to those words – NO FEAR–
A season to honestly say, I need Jesus every day because without Him, I am utterly lost. During my travel through this land, I will wait on the Lord.
He is my rock.
He is where I find my worth.
He is my breath and where I will take root.