It all came to a head in a dream I had last night that left me wrecked for a good twenty minutes, trying to tell myself it was only a dream, that I was safe, my kids were safe, and a lot of crying to Jesus. I couldn’t even bare to tell my husband what transpired in the dream, it crushed my heart so and had me re-evaluating everything in my life regarding my children.
It reminded me why I have a hard time being a stay-at-home mom.
How it is easier for me to go help others with their problems and talk about other lives and situations. But when I am home I am left to face the ugly truths about me.
My short temper.
My ability to slip into lack of motivation (aka laziness).
My second-guessing, get-into-my-own head and overanalyze everything.
My melancholy personality at its worst.
The day in and day out that others talked about, the hardness of it all, I thought they were just being over dramatic. Until I experienced it myself.
The waking every day and measuring time by naps and snacks and meals. The boredom that I try to fill with my school, homeschooling, reading, TV, cleaning, cooking, and playing. Feeling like I just don’t have enough time but I know I have plenty that is not used wisely.
So in an awful kind of way I was glad the dream happened, that it shook me awake in the realest and metaphorical sense about my life. I thought I had my priorities straight, but the truth is I was hiding and suppressing the ugly instead of trying to fix it.
I have lapsed in my personal prayer time, wasn’t really in tune with the kids, and was just kind of hoping all the school work I have been doing would actually be worth it. Going through the motions at its finest.
And when I look back at just a few months ago in February when I was ready to live– to be bold and have no fear and here I am choking in it because I have once again made myself so busy in the fear of not being good enough and I think it just kind of slowly crept in like a familiar shadow that wasn’t even noticed until I was in the thick of it.
If you haven’t mastered that true feeling of worth and value in God’s eyes it can feel like a slow fall into a quicksand of pity and self-deprecation that you know is all in your mind and yet you can’t shake it. Like I couldn’t shake that dream.
When you come face-to-face with your weaknesses it can be easy to question your worth. When you mess up again and again and know that you are messing up again it can feel frustrating. You wonder how a screw-up can be so loved.
And that is where the beauty lies.
That is where the love of Christ comes in and challenges those whispers in my head and those reminders that I messed up. The love of Christ says, yeah you messed up again, but My grace is sufficient. My grace is more. My love is more.
And I lay shame faced in the bed asking for forgiveness one more time, empty promises of doing better next time. But I realize I can’t do right next time, not on my own. I can’t be a better person without owning up to the ugliness and finding myself in the beauty of Christ’s love and forgiveness.
To feel my worth I have to lose it. I have to lose the value I place in doing it myself and relish in the fact that I am made in the image of God and fully depend on Him.
The gift is offered freely but I still question it, still am tempted to try one more time on my own.
Because I still think, am I worth it?
Who am I to question God?
Is it prideful to ask if I am worth it, to question God’s goodness, this gift He wants to give? If He deems me worthy how can I defy it with my questioning? Is it because I cannot comprehend it when I have such a long way to go to learning and being disciplined and being a “better” child?
But I can do none of those things without Him.
To not accept it creates a circular argument, with no end.
I’m not saying suddenly I have gotten all this motivation to be different and do different and strive for excellence because again, that would be to rely on myself. But I have taken this day to be calmer, unrushed, and soak in the goodness of Him who finds me worthy. Beating down and driving out those thoughts with God’s truth. Hugging the kids a little longer, speaking a little softer. Spiritually sitting in the truth and fact that He calls me worthy. Day in day out, when I am struggling and when I am not. Whether I believe it or not.
But today, I choose to believe it.
He calls me worthy. Not because of who I am, but because of Who He is.
And that is a truth I can rest in.