It really is true what my dad said to my uncle one time right after he narrowly missed an accident because he said for a moment he froze and could not determine what he should do. “Indecision will kill you.”
And that day my dad was talking about driving cars and physical reflexes but lately I have been thinking it also applies in a spiritual sense.
And when it comes to Jesus it’s simple: You are either for Him or against Him and if your indecisive you against Him. It’s an all or nothing deal. You don’t have to have it all together or be perfect, you just have to choose Him.
But then we move along in our walk with God and we hit seasons. And we grow stagnant. And we get on fire for God and His kingdom. And then not so much. Our fallibility really shines through in these moments.
I’ve noticed that I have a strange tendency of holding off on doing things that excite me, of things I want to do. My bone-deep melancholy personality waits because I don’t want to start something because the sadness I will feel when it’s over. I become afraid or anxious that maybe it won’t hold up to my expectations, that I have romanticized the notion, whatever it may be, in my head so much that reality will disappoint. I look forward to exciting events and holidays almost as much as I dread the fact they will all too soon end and I will wonder, did I do enough?
This incapacitates me in my spiritual life at times. I want to spend all this time with God, read nothing but His Word all day, prepare myself for something God has planned for me. And aside from the daily distractions and duties I have, there is that indecisiveness that halts me.
It seems to creep in right when I am feeling expectant, on the verge of God moving.
Stagnant. All stands still.
I’m going through the motions but my prayers are unfocused, my reading distracted and unmemorable, my attitude not “in it to win it” but “let’s just get through it.”
And you don’t have to be in the middle of the lake to be stagnant, sometimes it stretches to the lip of the edge that is just about to collide with the shoreline if only it would just move, just have a little wind ripple across and shake things up.
The Holy Spirit is like wind to my soul, breathing new life. And when I allow it, embrace it, even dare to ask for it?
Then I become like one who is filled with the Living Water. Then I am focused and no matter how melancholy, how hesitant I am, I humble myself before God and say, “I’m all in God.” And things start moving. Excitement returns. Desire to seek Him returns. Fire returns. I collide with God.
I die to self and old habits and stagnation. I die to self and enjoy this very moment with God while I am in it. I die to self and accept the fullness of Life again.
And I realize it is not just about if I did enough but rather, did I allow myself to be used by God enough? Did I empty myself of me enough?
That’s my goal. That is part of my -NO FEAR- word God gave to me, to not worry about the end before I get there but to focus on the now. To get moving. To let Him move in my life.
Because in Him there is no fear. There is life, there is truth, there is love.
Time to get moving. To hit my knees, open the Word, move into His presence.
For He is moving. And something amazing is about to happen.
Are you in?