So we had this kind of amazing conference/event/teaching this weekend and I didn’t want it to end. I am still processing, still reading over my notes, and still chewing on some of the things I heard. In my notebook from this weekend, here is what I wrote this morning:
I sit here at the breakfast table as my 3 oldest kids eat cereal and sing “Jesus loves me.” Back to reality. Honestly wishing I was gathered back with my friends, watching more sessions and worshipping and growing. But that can’t happen. I can’t just sit and take in teaching forever. It’s time to apply it, to move forward.
It’s time to activate my faith.
That’s what I put on my rock.
That’s my next step of faith.
Be enough where I am. Stop feeling like you (I) have to prove you’re good enough, smart enough, strong enough, brave enough, loving enough. Because the truth is I am not brave, I am not always good, I don’t always act out of love but rather selfishness, and I struggle with success in school and being strong enough to make it through each day. But I can be enough for today. I can love in this moment, breathe in this moment. Be enough and expect nothing more of myself because then I would be too much, put on too much and fail.
So today, I am enough right now and I’ve had enough with this superwoman cape no one but me put around my neck. Because honestly, I kind of suck at being a superhero. I will be enough and let God do the rest. Trust Him to do the rest. Trust and believe and live out the faith of my mustard seed proportion that He. Is. More. Than. Enough.
I can be enough so that He can be more than. Immeasurably more.
Crossing the Jordan on this one is going to take me more than just standing still. This is going to take a step of faith, of fear and trepidation. In fear I will step out because I want to step on and over fear.
No more fear of worrying if I belong, if people like me. No more fear of the future and finances.
And a big, crippling fear that just has to go?
Fear that I have walked so much in my mother’s steps that I would completely walk in history and get cancer and leave four little children behind because I’m afraid of getting to age 35, of outliving my mother’s life.
Afraid of not.
And 35 is 8 years away and I don’t want to live 8 years of fear.
I won’t. A crazy, irrational fear. I won’t live it anymore.
No more fear that God won’t do what He says He will do.
Those 133 promises mentioned in the Bible? I’m going to find them all, write them out.
That’s a lot of promises from the God of the universe to little speck of me who He uniquely made for a big purpose.
No fear my talents aren’t good enough. No fear to serve others because I might get rejected.
Baby steps. Fearful steps. But steps nonetheless because God has called us to move. For me to move past what has paralyzed me before, whether I realized it or not.
I’m marking the place.
And moving on.