I always said I would be a working mom. I always said that I could never stay at home but that I would work and I would make working work for my family.
I said a lot of things in the naivety of the flesh.
And now here I am, having quit my job to stay at home and cherish my moments with my children, pursue my education, and slow down.
This is a huge test of faith for me. I am trusting God to provide with our finances, with my patience, my need for control, with everything. But I had to run headlong and just do it, because I know that my God is able, even if my faith cannot comprehend just how able He really is. And if I didn’t run, I might not have done it because I would have been lost in my worry and obsessive planning.
I am not one to run. The wild abandon, the “freeing” feeling of running and escaping or running toward something, as appealing as it sounds, is not something I do. I make lists, back up plans B-Z, schedules. So one can imagine when metaphorically speaking I was asked to run and leap and bound head long toward the edge of a cliff that I have no idea what is on the other side of or if I will be caught how I responded. My heart had been heavy and my stress was high but I knew God was calling me.
He had prepared me for this moment.
Slowly, painfully because of my stubbornness, God had been gently releasing my tight, false grasp of control I thought I had over my life and was leading me toward His will. I thought moving back to my husband’s hometown would be enough of a challenge and relinquish of control. Little did I know that I would be giving up more.
It is one thing to approach a cliff; it is another to jump off. But sometimes the only way you can truly release control is to take that running leap and trust that someone is going to catch you.
I haven’t jumped off and flung my arms out and closed my eyes. I am still looking for that emergency parachute release, the dangling branch on the side or a soft place to land. But I jumped, and that is the first step.
And He is catching me, giving me peace and serenity and confirmation in my soul that this is right, this is His will. I don’t know what is going to happen when my pace slows and I have this time. I do know that I will give up this need for control, one day at a time. This has been a challenge two years in the making, when God first pricked my heart and said, Let it go. He has been so patient with me, chiseling away at my fears and anxiety of what would happen if I do not keep control. He is replacing it with a quiet spirit whose mantra every day has become Give it to God. You cannot be in control, His ways are not my ways but they are better ways.
This is it- the beautiful unknown. This is my challenge in life, my desire to be in control and to let it go.
So here’s to freefalling, and praise to a God who soars on wings of eagles and carries me tenderly in His loving arms. A freedom of letting go and letting God (to use a favorite and true cliché) and embracing this change in all its glory- and to fall on grace.