Here we are again. This day that never quite feels like mine, an awkward feeling of sadness and happiness and just….awkwardness.
Here I am, a mother of four, with three living breathing, beautiful children to prove it. My first child, just six weeks in the womb, slipped away from me, a child I could not contain, could not keep, but loved with all my being. A child I have shed more tears for then any other. A quiet, tender place in my heart.
I look back, remember that day like it was moments ago. I think about now, how my children who were born may not have been here. How my daughter has the same birthday month as that of the first but will never share it. How I had to get to a broken place face down in humility for God to pierce the dark of anger that clutched my heart and held it captive.
Now there is love. There is loss, but there is love.
Loss of this child, my child, my first, whose beating heart was never heard.
My mother, my own to celebrate this day, who died young and never knew my children.
I usually avoid church on this day. I often avoid social media, cringing at the statuses of wonderful and perfect mothers.
But I have been missing the point all along.
I still have not taken ownership of it, that it celebrates me. Not just my losses but me in my entirety, me in the biggest role I have in this world. It celebrates me and my three children, the reasons I do what I do in life. The ones I would sacrifice anything and everything for.
It has been a slow process for me to change my view of this day. Slowly it becomes less one of grieving and remembering loss and more one of honoring memories and celebrating. It is the everyday moments of laundry and dishes and diapers and fussing and hugging and tickling. It is the patter of feet, the mischievous grins and funny stories. It is the exhaustion at end’s day but knowing my children are safe and sleeping and I am covered in grace for those moments of short temper and other failures and I am fully blessed.
Blessed on this unknown path of motherhood. Blessed beyond all measure, even in the loss and grief that has brought me full circle.
I can say it and believe it: Happy mother’s day to all the mother’s out there. And happy mother’s day to me too. A role I have always wanted and now am living fully in it, an honorable responsibility that I cherish each day.
Unknown blessings are in store for me. Children are unpredictable and full of life lessons. May I never be too proud to hear them, too busy to listen, or to self-involved to show how much I care. May I, and all mothers, take in the unknown and known blessings as they come, never taking for granted a single hug or smile or holding of hand.
Dedicated to my children, the reasons for this blog and for my calling in life.