Time flies when you are having fun.
I think time flies in general.
A month has passed since I went back to work and I can think of numerous times I told myself I needed to write. Ideas that came to my head, realizations that I want to share and here I am a month later and not a one has been writ, not a one has been shared and this blog has been dark and empty of words.
And as each day passes I am learning to prioritize. Despite my can-do attitude and melancholy personality of wanting to accomplish everything and balance it all I am finding that I. Just. Can’t.
That is a big thing for me to admit. I can’t do it all but I want to be able to do it all and when I fail I am hard on myself. Because failure is my biggest fear and knowing I let someone down or let myself down or proved all those people right who said I couldn’t do it sends terror shaking through my bones.
My husband tells me, Stop thinking. When you are at work you are at work and when you are home you are at home. Focus on what is important right now in the moment, no matter where you are.
My sister states, You should feel crappy. Otherwise it would mean you don’t care about your job.
But when I mess up at home or school or work I tend to have an automatic tail spin into self-deprecating thoughts and I retreat.
It has been a hard few months. There has been plenty I have been thankful for and moments of great happiness but also times of stress and tears of frustration. Encouraging words from friends and family often go out the door the moment failure knocks.
So, I am learning to prioritize. I am accepting that perfection is unobtainable, something I always knew but strived for anyway. I look at the book on my nightstand, The disease to please, and I still haven’t read it because I can not imagine my life filled with telling people “no” and possibly letting someone down.
And that Voice whispers, Christ does not expect perfection, and He is the only one I need to try to please. This is my newest mantra, my facing these so-called failures.
But real failure comes from not growing through the mistakes. It doesn’t come by the way people think of me or if dinner was perfect or if I don’t get an “A” on every paper. Those are just the stepping stones for growth. Failure comes from not taking the step, to fall completely instead of fumbling.
Failure comes from not realizing who I am in Christ, that he knows my imperfections and my thoughts and still thinks more of me than I ever will. I read the devotions and I write the gifts of which I am thankful and I study and yet I fail to comprehend.
So then my new challenge to myself is to dig deeper into the Word, to study and pray and to be confident in Christ’s love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is often hard to come by when giving it to myself. But making a mistake is not the worst thing in the world. God’s priorities are my family, raising my children “in the way they should go so that when they are old they will not depart from it.” This is my priority too, my top priority. Others; to honor God, to live so that others may know Him, and to help others.
Part of motherhood is walking in the beautiful unknown. Unknown can mean failure. But God’s grace is there, always. Even when I miss a month of posts and walk this road alone or if I write every hour and we journey here together. His grace is in my home, my work, my soul. With Him all things are possible, even facing failure and living through it.
Grace is not a rescue from hardships, but the strength to get through it.
Praying for grace for you and me.